i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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