How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
