Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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