my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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