at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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