dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
