Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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