Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize