I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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