the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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