i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
