Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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