yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
