You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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