I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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