someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i will never coherently bang her
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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