Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The police scanner is talking about you again....
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize