I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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