I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Randomize
