i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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