finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
