Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
