A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
