Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
