I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
