I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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