Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
