you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
