I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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