Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
send nudes
from the living room?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
