would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
