I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
