The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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