Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
