Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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