$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
