She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
