you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
