im six kinds of drunk right now
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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