What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
