I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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