Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
