if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You may now shotgun with the bride
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
