This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He passed out mid-signature
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
