The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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