Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
