Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
