Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
