Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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