first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
