So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just forgot I was standing up.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
