I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
