Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize