Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
