There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
