he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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