just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
