someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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