I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
we're chasing vodka with high fives
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
