Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
