Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
