Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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